Half a Slug
by Amelia Glitter
Summary: The halls of Hogwarts hold many mysteries just waiting for the Marauders to find and solve. So what's lurking down this corridor? Dark creatures? Dancing Veela? Snape doing unmentionable things? Who knows? [JPLE, SBRL]


Title: Half a Slug

Summary: Having been distracted by strange sounds early in the morning the Marauders set out to solve the mystery. So just what lurks down the corridors of Hogwarts? Slytherins having sex? Severus Snape? Or is it something more...sinister?

Warnings: Silliness, slash and MWPP

Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc.

_"Which should he become, a headless corpse or a flesh-eating slug? I once saw a boggart make that very mistake—tried to turn into half a slug. Not remotely frightening."_ – Professor Remus Lupin, PoA.

Breakfast at the Gryffindor table was never truly normal. People often turned into strange things, or had even stranger things turned into them. This was probably because of the presense of the ever-popular, ever-amusing Marauders. James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew were known for there practical jokes on fellow students and the occasional professor.

This morning, however, the table was quiet. The four friends were missing from the morning meal.

"Probably up to no good," Lily Evans observed.

Most of the other students at the table agreed immediately. Lily was James' girlfriend after all, she knew him better than any other non-Marauder. Everyone began to wonder whether they had locked their chests up tight this morning, or whether anything had been missing. Leaving things where the Marauders could tamper with them wasn't wise.

Actually, the Gryffindors had very little to fear. This morning the Marauders weren't playing pranks, they were being polite young men. In fact at the same time Lily had observed that they were "up to no good" they were sweeping the corridors so Filch didn't have to work so hard.

Yeah, right.

The real story was that they had been distracted coming in from Quidditch practice early this morning. Well, James and Sirius had been returning from Quidditch practice, Remus and Peter met them in the hall.

Sweeping the corridors was just an excuse if they got caught.

KnockRattleBam

All four Marauders stopped dead in their tracks. James, who was leading, motioned for the others to be quiet. Sirius promptly flipped his best friend off. Remus and Peter hung to the back.

"What is it?" Peter whispered. His dark-blonde hair had fallen into his plump face, covering up his hazel eyes. He peered out from behind Remus. A long time ago (in second year) he'd reasoned that behind a werewolf was one of the safest places to be, provided the werewolf wasn't in wolf form.

Remus ignored the small young man clinging to the back of his robes. As usual he looked rather disheveled and completely lost, though his golden eyes were wary. In all actuality he was listening, trying to pinpoint exactly where the noises were coming from.

The third young man, wearing muddy scarlet Quidditch robes and carrying a broom, was a handsome creature. His long black hair was in a neat pony-tail and his lily white skin glowed—where it wasn't spattered with mud. "Eww, what if it's a Slytherin getting knocked up?" Sirius looked paler even as the thought entered his head. "Oh good Lord, what if it's Severus?"

Everyone cringed.

"We did not need that mental picture this early in the morning Paddy," James hissed. He was the tallest of the group and led them with the air of someone who had nothing else better to do with his time than lead. His messy black hair always fell into his hazel eyes. At the moment his handsome face was twisted into a look of pure horror.

"Uck, you got a mental picture Prongs?" Sirius whispered back, "that's just disgusting."

"Can we not talk about Slytherin sex-lives for once?" Remus had located the sound. "Now are we going to find out what the sound is or not?" One long arm shot between Sirius and James to point down the corridor.

The hallway fell silent again as the four continued to sneak.

KnockKnockBoom

"There is no rhythm, so can't be someone having sex."

"Oh like you're such an expert Padfoot."

"And you are? Please, have you even kissed Lily yet?"

"Yes!"

"Where?"

"On the cheek..."

"Ha!"

Remus smacked James and Sirius on the back of their heads. "Shut up!"

"And as for your information, Prongs my man, Remy and I are experts at sex. Though Remy is better at oral—"

"Too. Much. Information."

Peter snickered. "Like you didn't know that already James."

Sirius mock-scowled back at Remus and Peter. "How would James know how good Remy was at blowjobs? Have you given Prongs a BJ Remus?"

BAM!

Four voices screamed, their conversation broken off, as the door they were walking by made strange noises. They backed up to the other wall, staring at the door nervously. Peter was still behind Remus, but now Remus' hand had found its way to Sirius'. James clutched his broom and part of Sirius' shirt like a lifelines.

Several minutes passed.

"Open it Prongs."

"You do it."

"I _dare_ you to open it Prongs."

"Just because you're too scared to do it yourself."

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am _not_!"

"Fine, let's both open it. C'mon Padfoot."

"Right."

Together the two friends approached the door, which began to rattle as they got closer. Together they grabbed the door knob. Together they yanked it open.

Suddenly the entire hallway was filled with laughter. James and Sirius barely managed to back up before a slug—or at least half of one—fell out of the closet. Remus, who had figured out what was happening, stepped forward and pointed his wand at the thing.

"_Riddikulas_," he managed to gasp out between gales of laughter.

This was totally one-shot and totally silly. This is really more of a ficlet than an actual fic. Hope you like it though.


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